Confessions of a Reckless Rider

An above the board cop was home-bound for lunch driving the narrow Irwin road in his car, he seemed to be one of those newbie Sahibs of India; still high on the new uniform’s incense. He had suddenly revved to counter the carts and yellow-gift-box-auto rickshaws and the bulbous shoppers of KT street. He pursued and honked and advanced and chased for nearly 5 odd kilometers till Maharani’s College that stood in the heart of Mysore for-no-good-but-obvious reason and at that eternal signal break he pulled me off the road. Only then I nosed out that a cop occasionally uses his private car, to rephrase it was an occasional cop using his private car homing for lunch until then I swung with a dude looking for a race on street. I was riding my sister’s moped that could only breathe up to 70 kmph and also misses a heartbeat while counting Women’s college traffic signal, the signals are not usually for traffic there! The Sahib on pursuit remunerated this cupid’s opportunity and paraded to his stable of pot-bellied super-cops of India. The stable was in effervescence of Biriyanis, Pulavs, Chutneys and commotion of farts and swears, the virtuous odd-fit had returned with their potential day’s party-giver. I had my license by chance that day as it was my newest possession and it reduced their bar bill by Rs. 300. After slurps and burps a drowsy double chevron cop; the Common Muniraju pulled up a bill book and like any SLV upahar hotels he chanted 5 to 7 items and claimed close to Rs. 2000 and sly smile before clogging the receipt. By the books negotiations began, then the pleading, then the mercy in the name of sincere student, a benignant son who came to drop his dad to the bus stop and generous brother concerned about his sister’s safe return from office brought down the bill to Rs. 300 with a breakup of 100s each for reckless driving, lapse of insurance and riding without helmet. The Indian Motor Vehicle Act 1988 section 184 for reckless driving is the heart of everything; it has definitely hurt the ego of the officious hot pursuit cop and his lunch hour miscarriage. Once I discovered the heart of the matters it became easier to narrow in and pay the price of Sahib’s ego, the rest settled without a receipt by another hundred for the corporal’s quart of whisky. All this only for the pride moment of awarding ceremony for the Chevron of ‘Reckless Rider’.

Chemically speaking (read this paragraph at your risk or skip), Epinephrine is a hormone secreted by neurons and adrenal glands and drools around the times of emotional stress, excitements, parties, dances, fun-park rides, concerts, fight or flight situations, exercises, anesthesia, sex, etc, did I list reckless driving? The adrenaline aka epinephrine is something that makes your memory long term with retrograde enhancements on them, without much show-off it helps you be alert in the moment and varies in each individual based on their environment of living, gene, diet, health, medication so on. When one rides over 100 kmph or speed based on their hormone secretion or riding swinging by the vehicles, risking, calculating those risks in a second or less challenges the secretion and hurries the epinephrine for faster registry! If I didn’t decide to write I would say it makes you fucking high. The stress-free secretion of the hormone is training over time and on long run nevertheless leads to derealization, euphoria and sorts of post traumatic disorders by several exciting chemistries of life. I reckon that the one who rides delays or rather doesn’t spend more time in the pleasures of adrenaline attained momentarily. Thanks to Bangalore traffic but by the end of the ride on some decade of the day will have gratifications to the honorable reckless rider. If you have read this paragraph in spite of the bracketed warning above, you’ve got the good adrenal gland love!

There are thousands of Reckless Rider’s Manifestos or the RRM written, unwritten, permanented by tattoos or epitaphs. Here are a humble few which are tested and implemented in Karnataka, Uttar Pradesh and New Delhi. There are two broad riders here, Reckless Rider (RR) and Gentlemen Rider (GR) (I shall remain a dutiful feminist for this blog)

The company ego theory: The road is never narrow but the mind is. However philosophical it applies at the throttle. Most gentlemen riders look for advancement, it takes you levels up, and puts your position ahead of another. I repeat it puts YOU ahead of another. A RR on road uses this ego for advantage by assessing the space and time taken by an egoistic gentlemen rider to overtake another will be directly proportional to the largeness of ego. Sneak there! The humble reckless rider enters such zone and swings before the gentlemen rider notices and the adrenaline is high for the RR but he must postpone the celebration.

Basking in Gratification: After the gentleman rider achieves his overtakes once or twice he enjoys in gratification, he ponders over the happening and he imagines himself to be a celebrity- a feeling of overtaking Jeff Gordon. The RR uses these precious seconds of the gentleman. The gratification delayed by an RR can be compensated by the insta-gratification that GR basks in. The honorable RR thanks the 3G, 4G, 1Ghz plus processors, insta-cash, apps in seconds for training such instant gratification.

Post climacteric intercourse: We are sperms; a blossomed successful sperms aren’t we? When you lean over the glassy offices, wagging a tag on the 13th floor, peering over your busy cell phone, above crisscrossing nets of illegal telephone wires, from the eye-level of Brahminy kites you mindlessly watch the mindless GRs and mindful RRs spurting like sperms circling endlessly on the ring roads of towns. Where are these sperms rushing to? Most cities have attained their menopause. Albeit, the sperms want to move ahead, rush, plunge, attack, steer, wheel in, scoop an inch, even half is an achievement. A SUV urges, a moped is in arousal, a tanker screeches spitting the dust on the rear of overtakee, someone applies tan theta, another trigonometric rider applies cos theta, another geometric rider draws a parabola, another acrobatic rider ignorantly reels someone’s saree hooking to his side mirror, some front-line signal two-wheelers seem like masterbating with breaks on, throttle up and down at every countdown in last 20 seconds – the immature RR. Some wanna-be-RR: the ever disappointed GR would ignite the engine by 25 seconds on timer and honk shyly at 11, intently at 8th and bugles from 5th to party in a mighty clutter of sperm load. The Reckless Rider waits, waits for his climax and holds his to ejaculate farthest. He cuts around the clutter bypassing the mirage of ovaries.

The rear view mirror analysis: The enlightened RR usually checks the rear-view mirror of an overtakee when RR is in doubt of GR’s intentions. Especially if a Gentleman Rider is on a motorcycle on the center of the road with a pillion supposedly his wife and at least two kids tucked between and another on a tank. Otherwise RR checks the rear-view mirror of speeding cars, while scooting past the two foot gaps between a car and median, to reconfirm a cell phone user while driving and when… (Zips! I have dutifully committed for this blog) The Reckless rider usually looks for the sight of the Gentleman rider, his trajectory would be anticipated, the stiffness of the neck and the bearing can be almost nailed by watching the head’s tilt, his speed could be roughly estimated and also observe the overtakee’s stress levels. All within a second.

UNIMPORTANT Corollary: Rear view mirror analysis can be revised for cattle and buffaloes on road, the mirror can be the ears of cattle; they give their bearing of heading.

Auto rickshaws negotiations: I might complete this in another eon, let’s see. A skilled Reckless rider sees the tire of a rickshaw. If he sees half the tire from the rear, that rickshaw can be predicted to run for a while and give no surprises and most often maintain a constant pace. A rickshaw with full tire visibility can be unpredictable; a master RR would not tandem the yellow headless chicken: simply because the rickshaw is not occupied and it can occupy any square foot of the road any millisecond. The greatest opportunity for a sincere RR is to negotiate with the Auto Rickshaws at traffic signals, most ricks will have a bottle of water under the driver seat and a newspaper, depending on the number of seconds on the timer the RR either asks for water or a political update from the rickety ricksman, for either request there is warm and generous help.  The ricksman will have the news of latest political scenarios, strategies, plans and also have precise political predictions, once the RR builds his relationship the Ricksman usually floats a red carpet service and allows RR to proceed and snake through the tetris of vehicles. In certain cases there are three ricks raging, croaking, yapping and bulldozing, the RR finds a sweet gap for the front wheel and asks for an address; the melting point for ricksman and the exit point for RR. For more auto rickshaw negotiations, consultations and discussions I would have to charge you per question and I’ll charge definitely Rs. 30 over my meter. One and half for challenging ones!

Love thy neighbor: No one on the street wants a brawl, damages, insurance claims or blemishes especially on neighbor. All riders ride with great care even while occupying a strategic square inch, they love their neighbors vehicle to a great extant. The gentleman rider at times even apologizes if the side-view mirror breathes close to another’s side-view mirror. The RR claims this love, a love in fear. He knows the fact that it is not easy to get touched up, knocked or test frictions. He risks this love!

Let go everything: An experienced reckless rider never rides with revenge or to punish, never carries any regressions by a swearing overtake on gentleman rider. The RR lets the overtaken vehicle to past and doesn’t mock. An experienced RR understands the laptop slinging GR’s stresses, the GR’s only successful achievement is on a street. A GR who would rarely be awarded at work, at home, even a cookie at work comes with *conditions apply and at home with **limited offer only, the GR’s only gratification is overcoming a signal, meeting targets by cruising a signal before orange lights, tailing a RR through vehicle tetris. When a GR tries to overtake the RR at this point, an experienced RR lets him go. Beating the GR twice is more satisfying.

Endurance and Target: A successful and sustaining reckless rider who still rides recklessly post 30s is a saint. He has skills where the handlebar shall not control the RR but he controls it. How fast he rides and how deep the pits and how slowly he snails in markets doesn’t matter, the handlebar shall obey the mind of a St. Reckless Rider. Such a RR rarely sets targets, he knows if he sets a target viz reaching a signal, crossing an underpass, overtaking certain reverend GRs would all capacitate a RR. It either under does, over does or does. Patience is mastered every ride. With patience comes awareness, His Holiness Reckless Rider usually looks for stories at century long traffic signals, he observes the Mark Twain’s dark side of the moon during a signal’s arena for recreation, 4G works better at stoppages and many download their dirty pictures and zoom on the HD and anti-glare displays; the holy RR eyes a bonus. Saint Reckless Rider shall endure to his own capacity of limitless, spotless mind and never contain in a target not even think of the destination, the RR knows but doesn’t think about it, he enjoys the cruise and he enjoys everything around right then. Re-reading this manifesto is recommended.

Unpredictable consequences: The infamous traffic signal points that are unavoidable are one of the major unpredictable consequences. An RR turns the engine off and enjoys the local beauty builds personal relationships, checks out and now is the time to enjoy those gratifications. Another unpredictable consequence is a full-visible rickshaw tire as honored earlier. Buses and their stops are unpredictable and RR understands and duly appreciates its enormity and hours of stressful driving by a bus driver are more than anyone else on road. But the most unpredictable is a kind of rider in the subset of GR called the CR.  A CR usually sits on the edge of the seat on a moped or in an erotic posture or pouts his (gender unbiased) head over the headlamp. The RR looks for an urgent escape from the divine Crooked Rider.

A reckless rider enjoys every second of his life on road, he is alert, he is self aware, he leads and he does not speed up on empty roads and colleges, he does not abuse his vehicle over the great craters of make in India’s roads, he learns fastest, he has a good PR and he loves and he risks and he is alive and a reckless rider is more humane. When you spot a reckless driver next know that he is not restless, know that he is not in a hurry and know that he is not mocking at your attempts. He is a spiritually enlightened asshole. Please do not make way.

Dedicated to the hungry cop who recognized a Reckless Rider at early age.

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7 thoughts on “Confessions of a Reckless Rider”

  1. one thought ? so much of expressions! ….of the observation of many aspects on the road and also of the feel of the rider.
    keep writing…

    Like

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